I’m finally going to do it. I am finally going to be free of this monkey on my back that turned into an 800 pound gorilla over the last 30 years.
I’ve been on Chantix for a couple of weeks and put down cigs this past Wednesday (9-19-08) and have done pretty well overall. I have smoked twice since then, but didn’t enjoy either time. It’s tough quitting nicotine, Chantix helps a LOT but you still have to go through withdrawals to one degree or another, but I will say that this time has been the easiest overall. B is having a harder time with it but she’s also having a harder time with the Chantix induced nausea. I can get past it in about 30 minutes but she says hers lasts all day if she takes the full dose. Since she’s not at full dose, she’s had a few smokes a day, each day.
I keep thinking that as long as I don’t feed the gorilla, it will eventually die. I want it to die. I want it to leave me the fuck alone. I’ve been feeding it for 30 years and I’m sick of it. It is a one way street I get nothing back from. Once I’m free, I’m FREE FOREVER. The gorilla won’t dictate what restaurants I go to, or what hotels I stay in, frantically trying to find a smoking lounge in an airport, hell, suffering through the flights without smoking in the first place. I won’t ever have that tightness in my chest, that anxiety of “I HAVE TO SMOKE”. No, I DON’T have to smoke, The gorilla is DEMANDING to be fed, and that’s ALL it is. Don’t feed it, it dies. Slowly and painfully it dies, screaming the whole way. If I keep feeding it and satisfying IT, then I die. Slowly and painfully I die, unable to get enough air to scream the whole way.
The addiction ends here.
No more nicotine ever.